


Ancient Motherfuckers

by biextroverts



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Percy Jackson, Discussions of the Misogynistic Underpinnings of Ancient Greek Pederasty, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Sex, Summer Camp, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-06-16 12:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15436599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biextroverts/pseuds/biextroverts
Summary: It's their last night at Camp Half-Blood for the summer, and the delinquents intend to celebrate, a phrase which here means "get drunk as hell and debate the fine points of Oracular celibacy."





	Ancient Motherfuckers

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rewrite of the fic of the same title on my tumblr, @emorikomspacekru. I originally wrote it when on my PJO AU kick last summer, then basically forgot all about it until @infernalandmortal asked me about the funniest fic I'd ever written for a fic writer ask meme earlier this week.
> 
> Title is one of the few original titles I've ever given a work.

          Maybe it’s the late hour, or the four beers she’s consumed since midnight, but Harper thinks she’s going to miss this place. Her mortal family isn’t nearly as bad as some, she knows – Raven’s neglectful, drunken mom, Murphy’s late wicked stepmother and even worse subsequent series of foster parents, Emori’s awful parents and the dead brother with whom she ran away from them – but the truth Harper can’t share with her dad about who her mother was creates a barrier between them, and over the years Camp Half-Blood has become a second home. The mattress on her bunk in the Nike cabin is as well-accustomed to her sleeping form as the one on her daybed in her father’s Billings apartment, and the sight of the Big House across the creek is as familiar as the sight of the Bighorn and Pryor mountain ranges on the southern horizon. She’s spent six summers here – not easy, especially for a sentimentalist (especially for a  _ drunken _ sentimentalist) to throw that all away.

          “I’m going to miss this place,” Harper announces, gesturing broadly at the woods behind them, the  Sound to their right, waves lapping quietly at the shore. Someone – Murphy, probably, or maybe Octavia – snorts. “I’m going to miss you guys. I’m going to miss spending summers sword fighting and kicking ass at capture the flag.”

          “Ar-ES!” Jasper whoops, fist pumping with the hand not holding a half-empty can of beer. Harper, Miller, Octavia, and Emori join in, while Raven starts a spirited round of booing with Monty, the two of whom eventually badger Murphy into joining them in putting down Ares and their allies in support of the Athena team. Clarke and Bellamy, sharing a log bench with their knees not quite touching, roll their eyes good-naturedly like they don’t adore this. Behind where Harper’s head is resting against her knee, Harper can hear Maya, the only camper without a stake in the bitter Ares-Athena rivalry, laughing, that sweet sound that had sent Harper’s heart fluttering the first time she heard it.

          “I’m going to miss you all, too,” Maya says. “Well, those of you who are leaving. Murphy, Octavia, Monty, Jasper, you’re going to be keeping me company a few more years, right?”

          “I’m running away with Emori to start a cult in South Dakota,” Murphy says, his tone flat – he doesn’t drink, for reasons that Harper gathers have something to do with the dead stepmom he hates. “They all think they see Jesus in their potato chips but they’ve never seen the descendants of actual gods – we’ll make millions.”

          “You’re on your own there, John. I’m not turning down my full ride to Stanford for all the dead presidents in the world.”

          “Huh?”

          “Mount Rushmore. Is in South Dakota. The mountain with the presidents carved into it?”

          “Oh. Oh!”

          “Your boyfriend’s a dumbass,” Raven says.

          Emori grins. “He's your boyfriend, too," she says. "And, you know, at least my girlfriend’s smart." She kneels to kiss Raven deeply.  
  
          Jasper fake gags, causing Emori to flip him off. Harper jokingly turns to hide her face against Maya’s inner thigh – the closest part of Maya to her where she sits on the ground, Maya on the log above her. Maya strokes her hair absently, giving her head a few quick taps to tell her when Emori and Raven have finished their public display of affection. They’re still grinning at each other like idiots, and Harper can’t help but smile up at Maya as well, a little thrill running through her chest as it does every time when Maya pulls her up and into a kiss of their own, lips warm and smooth against Harper’s own as Harper braces herself on Maya’s knees.

          “Hey, no PDA on the last night,” Octavia protests. “Some of us are single.”

          “Some of us are not the guests of honor,” Emori points out. Harper grins over at her before resettling herself between Maya’s legs, head resting against Maya’s belly. She wraps a hand idly around one of Maya’s ankles, fingers drumming against the prominence there – the lateral something-or-other, she thinks it’s called. She guesses learning exactly what it’s called is the reason she’s headed off to college.

          “Isn’t the oracle, you know, technically supposed to be celibate?” Bellamy asks Maya. He leans over to grab another can of beer from the six-pack balanced on Jasper’s lap, popping the tab and taking a swig in one smooth motion. “Not to pry, but like, you and Harper...”  

          “Are dating,” Maya says. “But romantic relationships don’t require consummation. Kissing my girlfriend might break the spirit of the law, but it adheres to letter, and the letter is what the gods have the power to enforce.”

          “So you and Harper aren’t …?”

          “You’re nosy when you’re drunk, Bellamy,” Maya says, laughing. Bellamy opens his mouth, presumably to protest, but Maya holds up her hand to cut him off. “What Harper and I do or don’t do in the privacy of my room in the Big House is none of your business.” She has that voice on that she says comes from five years now of babysitting, firm with just a hint of sass – Harper might call it bossy, if it weren’t for the gendered implications of the word. She would never tell Maya this, but when Harper gets drunk, like she is now, she has to admit to herself that the babysitter voice is pretty hot. As is Maya chastising Bellamy for making assumptions about their relationship  (any girl who can stand up to either half of Camp Half-Blood’s royal couple can get in Harper’s pants stat).

           “True,” Bellamy says, raising a finger in the air. “True.”

          “But even if you assume that we have consummated our relationship–”

     “The ancient Greeks were full of some patriarchal bullshit,” Harper cuts in. She can feel everyone’s eyes on her as soon as she speaks, most of the group taken aback, but Miller hiding a laugh behind his hand, Monty and Jasper grinning broadly at each other, and Maya, when Harper looks up at her, biting back a smile. These are the ones who know her best, who are familiar with the righteously angry drunk four-beer Harper can be. “Like, a lot of shit, and also a lot of sexism –”

          “Mostly sexism,” Octavia contributes. 

          Harper nods. “Yeah, mostly sexism,” she agrees. “Misogyny, you know? They hated women. So the way they conceived it, the more people with dicks involved in the sex, the sexier the sex was. The fewer people with dicks, the less sexy. And if there were no dicks, they didn’t even count it as sex, you know? They didn’t. even. count it as  _ sex _ .” She leans forward as she repeats herself; as convenient as Ancient Greek misogyny has proven for her and Maya, the dismissal of non-dick related fuckery is still appalling.

          “People still have that conception today,” Raven says. “If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me how lesbians had sex back when I went out with Clarke, I wouldn’t need my scholarship to MIT – I’d be able to pay my fucking way. I’m not even a lesbian. Neither is Clarke.  _ Finn _ asked me this, and he sure as hell knew neither of us were lesbians.”

     “Bi erasure is a problem for another day, Raven,” Clarke says.

     “Bi erasure is a problem for every day,” Bellamy says. 

     Clarke shoots Bellamy a silencing look; it’s the first time Harper thinks she and Clarke Griffin have ever made the same expression, and certainly the first time they’ve directed the same expression at Bellamy Blake. “Continue, Harper.”

     “Yeah,” Harper says, holding her glare on Bellamy for a moment longer than necessary before tossing an appreciative nod Clarke’s way, “thanks. So, like, the Ancient Greeks, they thought, when two women fucked, why even count it as sex, so they didn’t, because, y’know, no organic dicks –” 

          “Organic dicks?” Murphy asks. “As opposed to what, silicone dicks?”

He really must be dumb, Harper thinks, if he doesn’t know there’s a ready response to that quip. “Yeah,” Harper says. “Dildos. Quit being so fucking straight.”  
  
          Monty, Jasper, and Emori snicker. 

          Murphy crosses his arms over his chest like a petulant child. “I’m not straight!”

     “Bi erasure is a problem for every day,” Bellamy repeats.

     “Shh.” Harper makes a vague hand motion at Bellamy that she hopes communicates “shut up”. “Anyways,” she continues, a bit louder than before, “like I was _saying_ , if there weren’t any organic dicks, they didn’t count it as sex, so, you know, since neither Maya nor I have organic dicks – ”

     “What about silicone dicks?” Murphy mutters.

     “That’s none of your business,” Maya says. 

     “I’m trying to talk,” Harper says, looking up at Maya through batting lashes. Maya rolls her eyes and runs her fingers through Harper’s hair, and Harper loses her train of thought for a moment, content to lean into the touch. “What was I saying?” she asks, then remembers. “Oh! Right. Since neither Maya nor I have organic dicks, the Ancient Greek motherfuckers who made the rules about what the oracle could and couldn’t do didn’t believe we were, like able to have sex, from a … standpoint. A physical or emotional standpoint. So scissoring and like, also all the real stuff girls can do together isn’t in the rules. We can do whatever the hell we want.”

          “Loopholes,” Bellamy says. “I like it.”

          “Lesbians are really good at finding holes,” Harper tells him. “And … bi girls.” She gestures jerkily up at Maya with one of her thumbs. When she glances back, she finds Maya has turned beet red, and is gnawing at her lower lip in an attempt to keep poised in the face of Bellamy’s having broken down in laughter across the campfire from her.

     “I think that’s enough talking about our sex life for one night, babe,” Maya says.

     “Agreed,” says Murphy, who’s blushing to the tips of his ears. He takes a shuddering breath and then, in a facsimile of his normal cocky tone belied by the flush of his skin, adds, “Anyone else care to share?”

     “I will.” Emori says brightly, and Raven and Murphy both turn to look at her in surprise. “Recently, John and Raven and I – ”

          Raven slaps a hand over Emori’s mouth as Murphy scrambles to his feet like a bull with a red cape being waved in its face. Despite his sobriety, he nearly trips over his own feet, Raven and Emori surging forward at the last minute to catch him. “I know we said we were going to stay up til dawn, but I think we ought to be getting to bed,” Raven says.

          “To do whatever it is you’ve recently whatevered?” Octavia calls out.

          Raven flips Octavia the bird even as she retreats with Murphy and Emori, all leaning on each other to stay upright.

          “I think Raven, Emori, and Murphy have the right idea,” Clarke says after a minute or so of comfortable silence, She stands and yawns, then looks down at Bellamy and offers her hand for him to haul himself up. They drift off after the trio of snarkers, now just dark shapes against a dark horizon.

          “They’re totally just gonna go neck in the woods,” Jasper says.

          “Neck? What year is this?”

          “Shut up, Miller.”

          Monty, Jasper, Miller, and Octavia all leave shortly thereafter, Monty with armsful of discarded beer cans, Jasper with instructions to Miller to make him a Prairie Oyster in the morning “so I don’t spend the last day of summer in bed wishing I’d never been born”, and Octavia with a threat to make Miller wish _he’d_ never been born if he doesn’t make her one as well. Harper and Maya watch them leave, then turn back to watch the lowly flickering fire and the waves against the shore beyond it for a moment.   
  
          “Come on,” Maya says finally, helping to haul Harper up off the ground with elbows underneath Harper’s armpits. “Time to get you to bed, too.” She yawns, then adds, “and me.”

     “Together?” Harper asks sleepily, hand finding the curve of Maya’s waist almost by instinct now.

     “Not tonight.” Maya pecks Harper on the lips. She wrinkles her nose. “I love you to death, but your breath smells like alcohol.”

     “You drank too!” Harper insists.

     “Not as much as you did. And you’re a lightweight.”

     Harper waves her hands in an attempt at protest, but she can’t find the words to go with the gesture, and so she allows herself to be led off through the woods by her girlfriend, the amazing Maya Vie, the oracle who found the flaw in the stupid ancient rules.

**Author's Note:**

> As YouTubers so often say, don't forget to kudos, comment and subscribe! Also, ask me about my PJO AU headcanons. I have a lot.


End file.
